The Big Picture

Very so often we find ourselves in a majorly upsetting situation.  When we allow that misfortune to embrace us it can become overwhelming.  Makes us feel helpless (hopeless), then we start to loose appetite, weight, sometimes even the will to keep on.  In worse cases we start to loose perspective of things, dragging us to even lower depths of self pity and desperation.  The moment we surrender to our situation it becomes harder to get out of it.

I have many times found myself stuck in  a similar boat (many boats to be more accurate).  It’s all water I see.  As I do not know how to swim nor have the courage to try cross deep waters, you can bet each time scares me beyond my wits.  Depending on the gravity of my problems the time it takes to figure things out and finally be able to get out of sticky situations vary.  Everytime though, I always strive to see the bigger picture.

When my world around me don’t seem to make sense, I try to find sense in my suffering.  At first I try to paddle, only to realize I’m going nowhere but in circles.  If that doesn’t work I start to measure the distance between my boat to the dock, if it was feasible to swim -frog or dog style - won’t I drown in the attempt?!  In short, I notice the more I struggle to fix my situation the stickier it becomes.  When i have used up all options and still come up defeated I just stop. 

I start re-visualizing my situaltion.  With a boat going nowhere what else is there to do?!!!  Yes, I can only sit tight and enjoy the view. Instead of crying over something I cannot change, I celebrate where I am and what I already have.  Slowly I will start to see beauty in the water, in the trees, savor the delicious cool air.  I’d probably, even see varied kinds of fish, frogs, anything at all and just enjoy the colors, the smell.  Just drink all in the beautiful things that surround me.  Distracting my senses to all good, I start to feel less and less sorry for myself.  In time, I wouldn’t even notice that my troubles have passed and I have yet successfully embarked on another journey, setting my foot safely onto dry land.

What all my experiences taught me is that there are problems that need not fixing.  They usually get fixed on their own.  There are battles we win with much effort, but many of which are won through patience.  Just remember not to get too carried away.  The big picture is, all things go “round”.  Once you go down, the only other way is a trip going up!  So brace yourselves and enjoy life’s rollercoaster, or in my case boat ride!  Next time remind me to get on one with a glass bottom, okay?

secrets of the universe

sometimes i feel that i know it all.  in this moment of clarity i feel safe, content and peaceful. i know that even when the earth beneath me collapses, it will be alright.

existence does not end here.  i am convinced that there is a great beyond surpassing what human imagination is capable of conceiving.

in this paradise there is nothing to worry about, but everything to be had and enjoyed.  this paradise is heaven.

there i won’t need arms to hold me just so i’d feel loved and important.  there, my whole being will be covered with love, greater than what i will ever require in this lifetime.

in even more rare occasions i feel a lightness.  i experience this heaven in my “now” co-existing in hidden moments.

i couldn’t possibly lose anything, because i already possess everything.

Birthday (Last) Request

Slow down,

Lie down,

Remember it’s just you and me.

Don’t sell out,

bow out,

Remember how this used to be.

I just want you closer,

Is that alright?

Baby let’s get closer tonight

[chorus:]

Grant my last request,

And just let me hold you.

Don’t shrug your shoulders,

Lay down beside me.

Sure I can accept that we’re going nowhere,

But one last time let’s go there,

Lay down beside me Oh,

I’ve found, that I’m bound

To wander down that one way road.

And I realise all about your lies

But I’m no wiser than the fool I was before.

I just want you closer,

Is that alright?

Baby let’s get closer tonight

[chorus]

Oh, baby, baby, baby,

Tell me how can,

how can this be wrong?

[chorus x2]

Yeah, lay down beside me.

One last time let’s go there,

Lay down beside me

Lenore’s Heart

got a text message from a friend earlier who worried about my well being.  i was touched by her promise to be there for me, whether i admit or not that i am hurting.  she’s so cute.  i find her really amusing.  when any of our friends shared a problem expect her to cry even before the one concerned does!

friends like these are precious.  they are rare and hard to find, thus a treasure to keep.

this is one quality that i don’t have.  i was never thoughtful even with the people i love.  i guess i’m too self indulgent (selfish).  i grew up fighting for myself.  always striving to get what i want and to reach where i wanted to be.  i have a focused determination that sometimes I forget there are people around me.

sometimes i feel bad that i can’t be as nice, as sweet and as loving.  i kick myself a lot for this.  but i have realized i can’t be too hard on myself either.  i wouldn’t be where i am now if i didn’t become what i am today.

i wasn’t always like this though, just that my life is not an easy road to take.  i have cried, lost, conquered and mastered the will to carry on even when sometimes i wished i could just blink myself to oblivion.  i still feel that occassionally - well, okay, a lot!  over the years, i had to change - many times over - just to be strong.  to endure whatever comes my way.  i have to.  i cannot allow myself to be swallowed up by my heartaches and disappointments.  a lot of people depend on me.  i cannot allow them to see me in a moment of weakness lest they’d think of themselves my burden.  as a price, i have lost a little tenderness.  it is sad but in order to gain one thing, something must be let go.  in lenore’s discipline, what i have lost i will never try to seek out again.

so yous see, when someone shows me an act of kindness that i don’t usually get, it goes a long way.  it touches my heart because they’d done something either i don’t do or never got from anyone else.  i find it awkward to react or say something nice in return but be sure that I am touched.  and once it reaches my heart - good or bad alike- I never forget.

Horizon

always…always it has to be from afar.  looking onto the distance.  have only courage when an expanse of space guarantees its place in between.

still i look on hoping someday i’d be able to at least touch. to have the strength to reach out.  to feel.  to be ceartain that you are real.

so i wait.  i must wait.  there’s nothing more to do other than wait.

My Sweet Lady

I’ve been meaning to write about this but with so much going on at work I haven’t had the opportunity to go on-line.  Finally!

Last Saturday Richard and I went to Inilog Grill to have a quiet dinner (pre-mother’s day celeb).  We’ve gone there twice before.  The place is not fancy.  It’s dimly lit, basically a watering hole.  Like any other place of its kind, they have a little stage for accoustic artists. 

That night the sibling duo was up.  The same ones who were on stage when we last visited.  Their forte are songs from late 70’s - country and love songs.  The previous requests inspired me to request a song.  Most singers don’t normally include it among their numbers but it is my all time favorite.  I thought it was appropriate for the celebration — after all mother’s day is to honor women. 

I didn’t expect what happened next.  The moment the man strummed the first chord I became emotional.  Tears welled up from my eyes and as he was singing I started to cry.  So silly!  I couldn’t help it, my tears just started pouring.  Even on our way home I was still crying. (lol!) Good thing the place was dark, only Richard was aware how crazy I was.  I didn’t feel embarrassed at all.  I am just worried that he might have thought I was crying over a failed relationship.  Not at all.

When I was younger I used to play it again and again (from a cassette tape) and I would grab my chest ‘cos each time I listen to it my heart ached.  I never thought that after all these years the song still has the power to move me.  The song is just beautiful in all its simplicity.  I love the melody and the lyrics most specially. Because of this song, I could almost taste love.  And it is that yearning for something beyond my grasp that I cry.  So here’s a tribute to John Denver.  He may have passed on but his work is still very much alive!

Lady, are you crying, do the tears belong to me?
Did you think our time together was all gone?
Lady, you’ve been dreaming, I’m as close as I can be
And I swear to you our time has just begun

Close your eyes and rest your weary mind
I promise I will stay right here beside you
Today our lives were joined, became entwined

I wish that you could know how much I love you

Lady, are you happy, do you feel the way I do?
Are there meanings that you’ve never seen before?

Lady, my sweet lady, I just can’t believe it’s true
And it’s like I’ve never, ever loved before

awed (odd)

woke up today with a strange feeling that i had a dream that was important but just couldn’t remember.  the whole morning i strained to try to recall but not a single recollection.

it feels like a heavy cloud is hovering over my head.  at any moment this rain may fall and soak me to the bones.  it’s creepy and sends chills throughout my body.  it is not malevolent, that’s for sure, but disturbing still.  it is similar to the feeling of nostalgia while looking over the coffin of someone who when alive didn’t mean much but you suddenly realize will be missed in their absence.

it is a dream that if i could only remember would give me comfort and reassurance.  without it, i would be empty.

so there, i feel really odd today.

Couldn’t have said it any clearer

You’ve been my golden best friend
Now with post-demise at hand
Can’t go to you for consolation
Cause we’re off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can’t stop bumping into things

I thought we’d be simple together
I thought we’d be happy together
Thought we’d be limitless together
I thought we’d be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

You’ve been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew gods face was handsome
With you I suffered an expansion

This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And I can’t stop dropping everything

I thought we’d be sexy together
Thought we’d be evolving together
I thought we’d have children together
I thought we’d be family together
But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we’d be genius together
I thought we’d be healing together
I thought we’d be growing together
Thought we’d be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

Thought we’d be exploring together
Thought we’d be inspired together
I thought we’d be flying together
Thought we’d be on fire together
But I was sadly mistaken

God bless Alanis!

Wrongfully Accused

Learned something of value just recently.  I remember a friendster bulletin (or was it from my email?) warning us to be careful on what we post in our profiles.  It told us not to post pictures or blogs revealing our whereabouts - work, residences, etc.  There could be people out there who could take advantage of that..blah..blah..blah - i didn’t pay much attention to the details.  What struck me is the message that some sick people could locate us and do harm upon us or the people we love.

Last week I got an invite.  Naturally, I checked out his page –great pictures — the name rang a bell (i thought he could be a high school classmate), and his friends looked decent.  Based on that I clicked ACCEPT.  I never thought that would be something I’d later regret!

As I have been really busy at work - what with the audit season in the works — i haven’t opened my page since then.  When I finally did, I got really excited seeing I have messages awaiting.  Much to my dismay, it was from that friend Michael A. (or Kael D?) accusing me of duping him.  He left rather unfriendly, or to be more accurate, threatening messages!  When I got to the part where he accused me of feeding my kids stolen money(?) I felt my blood rush to my head! I thought, “What is this guy’s deal?!!!”

Eventhough I had no idea what he was talking about - aside from the fact that he gave me a very bad headache with his badly constructed sentences and the grammar scattered all over  (urgh!)– he got to me!  For a moment I thought, could I have sold someone P990i subconsciously?  Was I schizophrenic and could have possibly been carrying a second personality that did all that he accused me of? After gaining 100% certainty that I wasn’t, I felt really enraged.

I know I shouldn’t have, but I sent him a reply.  As he said he wanted to iron out things with me, setting aside my better judgment, I gave him my office number.  Instead, he replied saying that he is coming over to my City!  For the past few days I’ve become paranoid, expecting him to jump me out of nowhere.  I was really rather scared of the prospect that I have dealt with a crazy person who could do me, or my family, or any of my friends serious harm.

My husband downplayed it as a prank.  Well, if it was, I’m not laughing!  I think it sick to randomly pick people on the net and send them messages like that!  He was barking at the wrong tree and caught me at a moment of weakness where I could not let anything pass.

Lesson..never accept invites of friendship from people I don’t know.  Never again!

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Button Up!

Stayed up late last night watching “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” where Brad Pitt starred with Kate Blanchet.  Curious indeed!  Could you imagine growing backwards?!  Unbelievable!!!  Even when you know the story is a work of fiction, it would still get you to say it’s completely outrageous.

Maybe if it told of the mind growing backwards, there would still be a medical possiblity.  But for one to grow, or should I say “De-grow” physically from a shrunken old person back to infancy, it’s totally crazy!  And if there is a chance of it coming true, I wouldn’t wish it even for my future great grand children.  I’d be okay dying as an old person, but for me to become an infant - small and helpless — i’d be so much sorrier.

But really, would it be any different?  They say as we grow senile our minds degress to that of a child.  We go back to knowing nothing until our bodies or brains die, whichever comes first.  We will all eventually become physically challenged as well, unable to care for ourselves brought about by crippling diseases –cataract, rheumatism, osteoporosis and many more.  Would we really be any better than an infant?

Would an infant be more burdensome that a graying old person?  Coming from families where people die young - i haven’t heard of a member reaching their nineties - I never really got to care for a senior member.  An infant would probably be easier requiring little diapers meant to catch all sorts of dirt that it is designed for, right?  Whatever.

However way we go, the thought of dying still gives me a melancholic feeling.  I suddenly remember all people I hold dear, whether they know it or not.  I suddenly want to have them close by.  I wish I could squeeze them in my arms and tell them how much I love them.  I feel a strong hand gripping my chest, crushing my heart.  It hurts to breath.  That is how I feel whenever I think of loosing someone, by me or any of them dying.

Why do I feel this way?  Because I don’t want to forget them, nor would I want them to forget me.

I had this dream weeks before.  I got shot.  I felt the bullets pushing into my body.  It didn’t hurt.  I was just all too aware of me slowly loosing consciousness.  It didn’t even bother me that I was dying.  I was worried instead of loosing my soul.  While I felt my heart and mind dying, I became worried about where my soul would go.  I kept saying, “So what will happen to my memories now?  Where would my soul go?”

I felt my life dimming.  All I can think of is becoming a dot on a television screen - from the old kinds — the ones when turned off a single dot remains in the centermost, that ever so slowly  loses its light to the black background.  I felt a weird calm of panic (?!).  The moment I became nothing, I awoke!

The dream didn’t scare me.  It just got me thinking deeply.  I didn’t ponder much on it because there is no answer to that question.  No one can tell what happens after one dies.  It would be a total waste of mental resource.  Instead, I focused on what I can do now before death catches on.

Seize the day.  Live each day as if it’s your last! Love this phrase.  That’s what Benjamin did.  He lived his life.  Growing forward or backward, it doesn’t matter.  It is how you spend the years growing (or in his case regressing) that counts.  The ultimate end - is the same!