Button Up!

Stayed up late last night watching “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” where Brad Pitt starred with Kate Blanchet.  Curious indeed!  Could you imagine growing backwards?!  Unbelievable!!!  Even when you know the story is a work of fiction, it would still get you to say it’s completely outrageous.

Maybe if it told of the mind growing backwards, there would still be a medical possiblity.  But for one to grow, or should I say “De-grow” physically from a shrunken old person back to infancy, it’s totally crazy!  And if there is a chance of it coming true, I wouldn’t wish it even for my future great grand children.  I’d be okay dying as an old person, but for me to become an infant - small and helpless — i’d be so much sorrier.

But really, would it be any different?  They say as we grow senile our minds degress to that of a child.  We go back to knowing nothing until our bodies or brains die, whichever comes first.  We will all eventually become physically challenged as well, unable to care for ourselves brought about by crippling diseases –cataract, rheumatism, osteoporosis and many more.  Would we really be any better than an infant?

Would an infant be more burdensome that a graying old person?  Coming from families where people die young - i haven’t heard of a member reaching their nineties - I never really got to care for a senior member.  An infant would probably be easier requiring little diapers meant to catch all sorts of dirt that it is designed for, right?  Whatever.

However way we go, the thought of dying still gives me a melancholic feeling.  I suddenly remember all people I hold dear, whether they know it or not.  I suddenly want to have them close by.  I wish I could squeeze them in my arms and tell them how much I love them.  I feel a strong hand gripping my chest, crushing my heart.  It hurts to breath.  That is how I feel whenever I think of loosing someone, by me or any of them dying.

Why do I feel this way?  Because I don’t want to forget them, nor would I want them to forget me.

I had this dream weeks before.  I got shot.  I felt the bullets pushing into my body.  It didn’t hurt.  I was just all too aware of me slowly loosing consciousness.  It didn’t even bother me that I was dying.  I was worried instead of loosing my soul.  While I felt my heart and mind dying, I became worried about where my soul would go.  I kept saying, “So what will happen to my memories now?  Where would my soul go?”

I felt my life dimming.  All I can think of is becoming a dot on a television screen - from the old kinds — the ones when turned off a single dot remains in the centermost, that ever so slowly  loses its light to the black background.  I felt a weird calm of panic (?!).  The moment I became nothing, I awoke!

The dream didn’t scare me.  It just got me thinking deeply.  I didn’t ponder much on it because there is no answer to that question.  No one can tell what happens after one dies.  It would be a total waste of mental resource.  Instead, I focused on what I can do now before death catches on.

Seize the day.  Live each day as if it’s your last! Love this phrase.  That’s what Benjamin did.  He lived his life.  Growing forward or backward, it doesn’t matter.  It is how you spend the years growing (or in his case regressing) that counts.  The ultimate end - is the same!

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