Lenore’s Heart

got a text message from a friend earlier who worried about my well being.  i was touched by her promise to be there for me, whether i admit or not that i am hurting.  she’s so cute.  i find her really amusing.  when any of our friends shared a problem expect her to cry even before the one concerned does!

friends like these are precious.  they are rare and hard to find, thus a treasure to keep.

this is one quality that i don’t have.  i was never thoughtful even with the people i love.  i guess i’m too self indulgent (selfish).  i grew up fighting for myself.  always striving to get what i want and to reach where i wanted to be.  i have a focused determination that sometimes I forget there are people around me.

sometimes i feel bad that i can’t be as nice, as sweet and as loving.  i kick myself a lot for this.  but i have realized i can’t be too hard on myself either.  i wouldn’t be where i am now if i didn’t become what i am today.

i wasn’t always like this though, just that my life is not an easy road to take.  i have cried, lost, conquered and mastered the will to carry on even when sometimes i wished i could just blink myself to oblivion.  i still feel that occassionally - well, okay, a lot!  over the years, i had to change - many times over - just to be strong.  to endure whatever comes my way.  i have to.  i cannot allow myself to be swallowed up by my heartaches and disappointments.  a lot of people depend on me.  i cannot allow them to see me in a moment of weakness lest they’d think of themselves my burden.  as a price, i have lost a little tenderness.  it is sad but in order to gain one thing, something must be let go.  in lenore’s discipline, what i have lost i will never try to seek out again.

so yous see, when someone shows me an act of kindness that i don’t usually get, it goes a long way.  it touches my heart because they’d done something either i don’t do or never got from anyone else.  i find it awkward to react or say something nice in return but be sure that I am touched.  and once it reaches my heart - good or bad alike- I never forget.

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