secrets of the universe
sometimes i feel that i know it all. in this moment of clarity i feel safe, content and peaceful. i know that even when the earth beneath me collapses, it will be alright.
existence does not end here. i am convinced that there is a great beyond surpassing what human imagination is capable of conceiving.
in this paradise there is nothing to worry about, but everything to be had and enjoyed. this paradise is heaven.
there i won’t need arms to hold me just so i’d feel loved and important. there, my whole being will be covered with love, greater than what i will ever require in this lifetime.
in even more rare occasions i feel a lightness. i experience this heaven in my “now” co-existing in hidden moments.
i couldn’t possibly lose anything, because i already possess everything.
On Self | Comment (0)Horizon
always…always it has to be from afar. looking onto the distance. have only courage when an expanse of space guarantees its place in between.
still i look on hoping someday i’d be able to at least touch. to have the strength to reach out. to feel. to be ceartain that you are real.
so i wait. i must wait. there’s nothing more to do other than wait.
On Loving | Comment (0)awed (odd)
woke up today with a strange feeling that i had a dream that was important but just couldn’t remember. the whole morning i strained to try to recall but not a single recollection.
it feels like a heavy cloud is hovering over my head. at any moment this rain may fall and soak me to the bones. it’s creepy and sends chills throughout my body. it is not malevolent, that’s for sure, but disturbing still. it is similar to the feeling of nostalgia while looking over the coffin of someone who when alive didn’t mean much but you suddenly realize will be missed in their absence.
it is a dream that if i could only remember would give me comfort and reassurance. without it, i would be empty.
so there, i feel really odd today.
On Self | Comment (0)Button Up!
Stayed up late last night watching “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” where Brad Pitt starred with Kate Blanchet. Curious indeed! Could you imagine growing backwards?! Unbelievable!!! Even when you know the story is a work of fiction, it would still get you to say it’s completely outrageous.
Maybe if it told of the mind growing backwards, there would still be a medical possiblity. But for one to grow, or should I say “De-grow” physically from a shrunken old person back to infancy, it’s totally crazy! And if there is a chance of it coming true, I wouldn’t wish it even for my future great grand children. I’d be okay dying as an old person, but for me to become an infant - small and helpless — i’d be so much sorrier.
But really, would it be any different? They say as we grow senile our minds degress to that of a child. We go back to knowing nothing until our bodies or brains die, whichever comes first. We will all eventually become physically challenged as well, unable to care for ourselves brought about by crippling diseases –cataract, rheumatism, osteoporosis and many more. Would we really be any better than an infant?
Would an infant be more burdensome that a graying old person? Coming from families where people die young - i haven’t heard of a member reaching their nineties - I never really got to care for a senior member. An infant would probably be easier requiring little diapers meant to catch all sorts of dirt that it is designed for, right? Whatever.
However way we go, the thought of dying still gives me a melancholic feeling. I suddenly remember all people I hold dear, whether they know it or not. I suddenly want to have them close by. I wish I could squeeze them in my arms and tell them how much I love them. I feel a strong hand gripping my chest, crushing my heart. It hurts to breath. That is how I feel whenever I think of loosing someone, by me or any of them dying.
Why do I feel this way? Because I don’t want to forget them, nor would I want them to forget me.
I had this dream weeks before. I got shot. I felt the bullets pushing into my body. It didn’t hurt. I was just all too aware of me slowly loosing consciousness. It didn’t even bother me that I was dying. I was worried instead of loosing my soul. While I felt my heart and mind dying, I became worried about where my soul would go. I kept saying, “So what will happen to my memories now? Where would my soul go?”
I felt my life dimming. All I can think of is becoming a dot on a television screen - from the old kinds — the ones when turned off a single dot remains in the centermost, that ever so slowly loses its light to the black background. I felt a weird calm of panic (?!). The moment I became nothing, I awoke!
The dream didn’t scare me. It just got me thinking deeply. I didn’t ponder much on it because there is no answer to that question. No one can tell what happens after one dies. It would be a total waste of mental resource. Instead, I focused on what I can do now before death catches on.
Seize the day. Live each day as if it’s your last! Love this phrase. That’s what Benjamin did. He lived his life. Growing forward or backward, it doesn’t matter. It is how you spend the years growing (or in his case regressing) that counts. The ultimate end - is the same!
Movies | Comment (0)Night in Rodanthe
I knew it. I shouldn’t have watched the film. Each time I drop by National Bookstore (which is everyday, except Sundays), the book always catches my attention. I’ve bought books after books yet I never placed in in a basket. Then, I bought a DVD of it weeks ago and just had the feeling that it’s a movie i should miss. For lack of anything else to watch yesterday, i suddenly remember seeing the DVD lying next to our PS2 under our bedroom TV.
It was a nice story. It has a positive message for men and women out there seeking love. I agree that each of us deserve a love that is as easy as breathing, effortless and natural. One shouldn’t be too hasty to jump into a relationship out of desperation. A person must be patient and hold out for this kind of love, and when it comes, believe that it is deserved.
True love — the kind that lasts forever — will find us. It may present itself to us in coincidences and circumstances we least expect. Whether it comes early or later, or even after a failed relationship, or will be the only great relationship one will experience, it will come. That each of us will experience love — be mutually in love with someone else — is a definite certainty. Still, as real, complete and true that love may be, it may not be the one we take to our graves. It may not be the person we walk the aisle to a wedding. It may the not be whose kids we bear and raise and have grand babies with. It may not be the person whose hand we hold when we take our last breath. That person may only grace our lives in a few days, weeks, months or few magical moments. It may just even be a brief encounter, but with all its intensity and profoundness, it may very well last beyond one’s grave.
You’ll know that it’s the right one. It will make your heart ache in sheer joy with the mere thought that you’ve found it. But yes, it will break you to pieces when it disappears, like a part of you left with it.
I hate sad stories and this one is a guaranteed brutal tearjerker. I probably shed over a cupful of tears. And I earned a tightening chest that lasted long after the final credits ran. Nothing can be more painful than losing your one true love to death as soon as it was found. As I always thought, the greatest love is experienced through tragedy. How tragic!
On Loving, Uncategorized | Comment (0)Deceiving Heart
The things that make a person unclean
Mark 7:14-23
Then Jesus called the crowd to him once more and said to them, “Listen to me, all of you, and understand.There is nothing that goes into you from the outside that will make you ritually unclean.Rather, it is what comes out of you that makes you unclean.”
When he left the crowd and went into the house, his disciples asked him to explain this saying.“You are no more intelligent than the others,” Jesus said to them.“Don’t you understand?Nothing that goes into you from the outside can really make you unclean, because it does not go into your heart but into your stomach and then goes on out of the body.” (In saying this, Jesus declared that all foods are fit to be eaten.)
And he went on to say, “It is what comes out of you that makes you unclean.For from the inside, from your heart, come the evil ideas which lead you to do immoral things, to rob, kill, commit adultery, be greedy, and do all sorts of evil things; deceit, indecency, jealousy, slander, pride, and folly – all these evil things come from inside you and make you unclean.”
All these years I trusted my heart in making important decisions.It is in the rationalization that if it makes me feel good then it must be the right way.I guess this one is saying –not everything!Perhaps it is wise to discern first the things we desire before seeking them out.That is going to be a hurdle because I know what the heart screams can be quite difficult to silence.The clamor of the heart can be — most of the time– hard to ignore.Happiness and misery hang on the opposite sides of the balance.But is the end that promises bliss really the right way?Or is it the one that requires self denial?
I guess I’ll just have to count on good old “Faith”.Without divine inspiration, how lost can one ever get?I wonder.
Books | Comment (0)Twilight
A friend here recommended that I read Meyer’s books. I have heard before from others as well that it is a must read. Then in one episode of Ellen’s show, Meyer appeared to talk about her books. My curiosity got the best of me. The noise must be for nothing, so I bought the first book called “Twilight”.
It wasn’t quite what I expected but it is one book which will keep you reading on just the same. Perhaps it’s because the main characters are only on their teens, so I could not relate to how intense they feel about each other. It is too “teeny” in my opinion. Since in my teens I didn’t have a boyfriend I cannot imagine how they feel exactly. I’m past that age to feel electrified by the mere closeness of one who strikes my fancy (waaaah ‘tanda na talaga). There’s just too many scenes that I feel only needlessly prolonged the story. I hate it when Bella keeps on saying how weak she gets whenever Edward gets too close! (kainis! makes my own romantic relationship paler that it already is! haha)
I like the way Meyer pictured her vampires - similar to Anne Rice and Stephen King’s - in their beauteous(?) magnificence, only hers do not have fangs! I’m impressed as well on how she reasoned why they could not walk under the sun! I have categorized vampires as nocturnal creatures. Now i see them in a different dimension. This time when i think Vampire, i picture beauty (far from monstrous) that is immortally awake!
Though at the start the book did not impact as strongly on me, still it made me buy the complete collection. Well until Midnight Sun will be released (if ever), I’m going to buy that one too. I stumbled on a draft of that book and i like it better than Bella’s accounts. It’s nice to have a glimpse of what goes on inside Edward’s head. It would be interesting to see the complete picture coming from both the main characters’ perspective.
I’m in the middle of the 3rd book (Eclipse) now, after finishing the first two (Twilight and New Moon) in about three days time!. My husband says it’s crazy how so soon i want to devour the books! Whew! my eyes. Looks like I’m gonna need another upgrade on them glasses.=)
Movies | Comment (1)